Berlin, Germany — November 22, 2024
By: Johann "Totally Not Wagner's Nephew" Von Hohlbruch
In an exclusive poll released today, it was confirmed that Richard Wagner, the 19th-century composer known for his elaborate operas, anti-Semitic rants, and the world’s most self-important music, has been “swiped left on by literally everyone,” including renowned musicians, critics, and possibly the ghosts of Beethoven and Mozart.
The survey, which gathered data from 3,000 classical music lovers, academics, and the occasional drunk uncle at a family reunion, found that Wagner’s popularity has plummeted to new lows—so low, in fact, that even his own music seems to be side-eyeing him from the corners of concert halls.
"I get it, Ride of the Valkyries is iconic, but let’s be real—who wants to sit through four hours of angst-ridden Norse mythology and unresolved brass chords? Not even my dog will listen to it anymore,” said Dr. Gerald H. Frohling, a professor of music history at the University of Pompous Academia. “Wagner’s music is like that friend who keeps insisting they’re ‘working on a big project’ but you’ve seen them playing Dungeons & Dragons for five hours straight. It’s exhausting.”
Wagner, the Original ‘Ex’
Sources confirm that even his long-standing admirers have grown weary of the composer’s overblown sense of self-importance, with some arguing that Wagner would have been insufferable to date, even by modern dating app standards.
"I swiped left after just reading his profile. It was all about himself, his opera, and how he was 'misunderstood by critics.' No mention of his hobbies, his interests, or whether he knew what a proper haircut looked like,” said Anna K. Lee, a self-proclaimed Wagner expert. “His ‘about me’ section basically read, ‘I'm a genius, not for everyone, but once you get me, you’ll totally get me. Also, I have serious opinions about Jews. Lol, JK (but not really).’”
A local Tinder user, who wished to remain anonymous but was definitely not Wagner himself, added, “I didn’t even need to swipe left. I just looked at his profile picture and immediately felt like I had made a grave mistake. He looked like a guy who'd tell you he's a ‘visionary’ at a bar and then go on a 45-minute monologue about how misunderstood his operas are.”
Wagner’s Struggle to Find a Match
Despite his vast catalog of music that some people describe as "influential" (others call it “excessively loud and obnoxious”), Wagner has had trouble securing a stable fanbase. Even those who enjoy his works admit that they can only listen to them when absolutely forced—usually in an academic setting or when trying to seem cultured at a dinner party.
“I mean, The Ring Cycle is basically a musical version of that friend who won’t stop talking about their 12-step entrepreneurial program,” said Wilhelm von Schnitzel, a German conductor. “Wagner’s work is like a personal challenge: ‘Can I survive four hours of gods fighting over a ring, and still make it to the bar afterward without weeping?’”
"I tried to get into Wagner," admitted Janet Cohen, a diehard opera lover who has attended 17 opera houses in the past year. "But I couldn’t even make it through The Flying Dutchman without wondering where I went wrong in life."
The New Era of ‘Swipe Right’ Music
Meanwhile, modern composers are capitalizing on Wagner’s absence from everyone's playlist with the introduction of “efficiency operas”—works that take less than 90 minutes, avoid problematic life choices, and don’t demand a 50-piece orchestra to just get to the main point. Newer composers, such as J.J. Soave and Clara Melton, have already begun creating operas with titles like “Who Needs 90-Minutes of Suffering Anyway?” and “A Concerto for the Chronically Tired.”
“I mean, who needs a 15-minute overture, anyway? I don’t need an overture to tell me the plot—I’m just here for the drama and the 20-minute intermission,” said Melton. “Wagner was like, ‘Let’s make this four hours long!’ And I’m over here like, ‘You’re out of your damn mind, bruh.’”
Even Wagner’s operatic influences are receiving mixed reviews. “I loved his music back in the day,” said Maestro Tobias Thorne, a conductor who once conducted Wagner’s Tristan und Isolde in front of a half-empty house. “But honestly, now I just play ‘Flight of the Valkyries’ on Spotify when I need to pep up my morning commute. It’s really just not the same anymore. He’s the musical equivalent of a ‘90s boy band—people liked it in the moment, but now everyone’s like, ‘Ew, no thanks.’”
Wagner Responds From Beyond the Grave
In an unprompted move that can only be described as “Wagnerian,” Richard Wagner reportedly sent a “message from beyond the grave” (read: his ghost’s Twitter account) blasting today’s musicians as “shallow” and “lacking the visionary depth to understand the grandiosity of my genius.”
“I still stand by The Ring Cycle,” Wagner’s ghost tweeted late last night. “One day, someone will appreciate me… maybe when they finish all their ‘self-care routines’ and take off their noise-cancelling headphones and stop eating avocado toast. Until then, I’ll keep my long-form operas where they belong: in history, where the true geniuses always reside.”
Despite this tweet, Wagner’s digital presence has yet to gain any new followers—although, according to sources, his ghost remains “quite active on LinkedIn, still trying to network with some important music professionals.”
Strike the Stage
As Wagner’s once-imposing presence continues to fade from the cultural mainstream, many have begun to ask: Is it time to let go?
“Honestly, if I wanted to spend four hours being yelled at by gods, I’d just call my mom,” said one disillusioned listener. “But hey, at least Wagner gave us The Ride of the Valkyries. So there's that."
For now, Wagner remains the ‘ex’ everyone swipes left on—whether in a digital sense or during a particularly long-winded operatic overture. Note: This is a satirical piece (c) Harpsichords & Hot Sauce, 2024
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